Sometimes, I found it hard to talk about my first pregnancy without trying to bring up idiot memories that pissed me off and hurt me. It reminded me of the idiot ex at the time. You know what, I’m going to bullet point the negative things that happened first and then write about the beautiful things later. These are in no particular order:
- As I had no stretch-marks, the ex thought it was unnatural so he said his uncle told him to pinch my whole inner thighs until it hurt and start being rough in other places until signs of stretch-mark formed. I was so angry and scared at his immaturity I worried for the safety of my baby. He purposely didn’t tell me this until after he had caused damage to my skin. I cried and told him to fuck off. I didn’t think it was possible.
- My car. The ex thought he was so cool he backed over a fucken low tree stump he knew was there and wrecked the shafts. You’d think he’d offer to get it fixed? Nope. The idiot had a ‘Oops’ face/smirk and left it at that. I was so embarrassed when my parents found out. It left me with no car.
- He thought that having sex with a pregnant person was dirty/disgusting and that he’d secretly rather have sex with someone else. I felt cheap, unwanted – there are no (good) words to describe this. Yes, he eventually got over it but the initial comment scarred me.
- At 5 months pregnant, I wasn’t showing at all (seem impossible? it wasn’t for me) and knew the risk of playing. I entered competition Touch Rugby. No one knew until after two rounds of wins for us, the ex decided to tell the whole world that I was pregnant. Competitors weren’t impressed and we ended up with some disqualification and I had to step-out.
- When things didn’t go his way, he’d say dumb things like, “I don’t know why I’m here. For all I know, you could be carrying someone else’s baby”. This made me so angry as he knew it was highly unlikely. But he thought it be cool to say it anyway.
- He’d purposely allow other ladies to flirt with him and he’d flirt back – in front of me and get their numbers. His explanation to that, “What? I need to keep my options open.” Others in our circle were not impressed and told me to dump him.
- I’d ask him if he would like to dance and he’d say,”No, I’m working” (he worked in a pub at the time). Then another lady would ask him not long after me and he’d say, “Yes” and looked at me as if saying, “what she’s a paying customer”.
- When our baby boy arrived we had to fill in the birth form. I asked him to fill in his details he said, “No I’m not the father.” I was shocked and wasn’t sure if I heard right I said, “What? I said, you need to fill in your details and sign it.” And he said it again, “How do I know if I’m the father?” I didn’t know what to say. I was hurt.
Gosh, I was a wreck but I couldn’t find the strength to leave or let him go and thought I didn’t want to go through the pregnancy alone. I couldn’t help having these feelings that I still loved him or had the feeling that I still needed him. It was my first relationship, first child. I hadn’t been able to explore other possibilities before him. My loyalty wouldn’t allow it. This relationship only lasted about 18 months inclusive of our son been born.
One of the hardest thing I endured was the verbal abuse I received from his mother and their threat to the safety of my son. In no particular order again:
- I wasn’t allowed to have him nap near me that the mother-in-law would have him on her bed with a mosquito net hanging over the bed. One day I happen to walk by her room and noticed the netting was tangled around his face. His arms and legs were flying – he was choking! They blamed me for not looking after him.
- I would take my son for a walk to the park or to the shops and we’d have such a great time. I loved having alone time with him. When we got back, I was never to leave the house again with him unless they said so.
- Another time, my son was so sick I wanted to take him to the doctors but they said no. Nearly a week later, he was admitted to hospital and found he had hernia. I was told it was my fault for not looking after him and that I was a useless mother and had no idea what I was doing.
- The ex woke up with a real bad earache. I asked him if he was okay and if he’d want me to do anything. He said, “Its all your fault. Because you went against my mother, I’m suffering the consequences.” I didn’t understand what he meant by that.
- Sometimes my personal stuff would go missing like old photos of my great-grandparents and great-great-grandparents. I was so frantic wondering if I had misplaced it. But was told she had taken them because she didn’t like me having personal photos of my families.
- One day I was speaking to my dad on the phone, telling him I wanted to come home and he’d arrange for a ticket for me and baby. What I didn’t know was that the mother-in-law was listening in on the other line.
- The exes family would threaten to take me to court and gain full custody of my baby if I ever left the house or talked to anyone. They even said things like, “You walk out that door I hope that boy gets run over by a car and no one will have him.” and “I’ll make sure that fucken boy never sees the age of 5 you useless shit” and “If you ever leave, I’ll hunt you down and fucken kill you myself and all your fucken family”.
Somehow I managed to get a hold of my sister and she came to pick us up. My sister is a strong person. Not much fazed her. She knocked on the door, they let her in. I could hear them talking as if nothing was wrong. She came by my room and asked if we were ready. The in-laws hadn’t realised my sister had come to take us away. They asked what was happening. My sister just said that we were staying with her for the weekend and that she wanted to spend time with her nephew. They tried to tell her she was welcomed to spend time with him here. We left. As we rounded the corner I broke-down. it was the last time I’d see that family again – for a very l o n g time. During this whole episode, my son was less than a year old.
Whilst staying with my sister, I received abusive phone calls from the in-law. How they got my sisters number I have no idea. I’d ring my sister at work in tears and she told me to call the police. I rang the police, they came over and I told them of the threat the in-laws were making. It was horrible. The ex turned up one day, trying to talk me into going back to their house (he lived with his parents) I said I couldn’t.
I made it back to my parents and told them everything. My mum had a bath ready for my son. She was about to put him in the bath when he screamed his lungs of, tucked his legs under him and his eyes were so full of fear, he tried to cling tight to his nanny. She asked me if he had done that before and I told her I never had a chance to bath him because he was already bathed by the exes family. Mum was so angry. We had to sponge bath him until he got use to water again.
They were so concerned my mum said it would be better if they raise their moko until I found my footing in life again. I didn’t argue with that and knew it would be hard letting my son go. But, I had to try and make something of my life.
I saw the ex once during a game of Touch and I still had feelings for him. Lucky I was with my best friend who was also friends with the ex. Previously, I had told her I did not want to see him again nor get back with him. He saw me. We walked towards each other like we were drawn to each other. He said he missed me and wanted to get back with me. My friend overheard and she pulled me away and said, “No, keep walking.” I looked back, he had sad eyes and my friend said, “Don’t look at him. Just keep walking.” And so, a new journey began for me.